Today's Barabbas

There I was, consumed with pride, rebellion, lust, selfishness, shame, and lies. A rebel with a wandering heart. Ill-deserving of anything but the jail cell I sat in, expecting my soon judgement. When will they come to get me? When will they call my name? What will it be like to walk to that cross in front of all the people I have hurt? I fully deserve to be spat upon and cursed as I make that walk. Surely, I will walk with my head down, feeling the pain and shame I fully deserve. I expect nothing less of a harsh punishment. I know that time is coming when they call my name, release me from my prison, and lead me down the road to my final judgement in front of all whom I have hurt. When will they call my name?


I sat there waiting, then I heard my name. I knew what was to come in my final hour. The guards came in, grabbed me, chains and all. My bondage covering me, they dragged me outside. 

Then, I heard the word: Pardoned.

A man, fully innocent and ill-deserving of my deserved punishment got up and entered into the walk I was anticipating. 

I sat there, in absolute shock as someone chose to take my place. Why would you pardon a sinner like me? Why would you willingly walk the road I fully deserved to walk? I never felt that kind of love before. 

Speechless, I watched as that man was scourged. "They stripped him and put a scarlet robe on him, and twisting together a crown of thorns, they put it on his head and put a reed in his right hand. And kneeling before him, they mocked him, saying "Hail, King of the Jews!" And they spit on him and took the reed and struck him on the head. And when they had mocked him, they stripped him of the robe and put his own clothes on him and led him away to crucify him." Matthew 27:28-31

That scarlet robe was meant for me. Those thorns were meant to be pushed into my head. That spit was supposed to be on my face. Those beatings were supposed to scourge my back, 

That cross was meant for me.

That man was Jesus. I am today's Barabbas.

"BUT GOD, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were DEAD in our trespasses, made us ALIVE together with Christ. By GRACE you have been saved." Ephesians 2: 4-5

I did absolutely nothing to earn His pardon. Not only am I undeserving of that grace, but I am ill-deserving. I have absolutely nothing to bring to the table. Absolutely nothing. How in the world does God desire to show me, the worst of sinners, grace? By His death, I am FREE! I have been given LIFE, and life to the fullest (John 10:10). It's not about how can God send people to Hell, but how in the world can He show people grace? Here's the even crazier thing...not only did my Jesus pardon me when I became a Christian, but He pardons me every day. Oh how vast the love and grace of Jesus! There is nothing I could ever do to earn that grace and salvation. Just like Barabbas, I bring nothing to the table. There is no amount of works that could have earned me grace. It is fully the grace of my Jesus. If I could lose my salvation, I would have never received it from day one. There's absolutely no way I could ever have gained that favor. 

Does Easter truly excite you that you have been fully pardoned, every day? 

The moment the gospel does not excite us and bring us to our knees is because we have forgotten the gospel. Do you further your faith, virtue, knowledge, self-control, steadfastness, godliness, brotherly affection, and love everyday? 2 Peter 1:9 says that if you are lacking these things, it is because you are so nearsighted, that you are blind, having forgotten that you were cleansed from your former sins.

I dare us to live as if we are pardoned. I dare us to remember the gospel daily. I dare us to not just think about the gospel this weekend, but for us to allow it to penetrate our hearts daily, so we may be reminded of how much we don't deserve Him and be reminded of the grace that our Jesus so fully brings. We have a special hope, as our Savior is ALIVE. Will you dare to live like He is alive?

How I See the Gospel through my Tonsillectomy

When you first read this, your initial reaction was probably something like, "Ok, this seems like a little bit of a stretch." The truth is, the gospel is so powerful that it stretches over every day of our lives, not just the day we become a Christian.

Taking my pain meds before writing this may or may not have been a good decision....

First of all, what exactly is the gospel? The gospel says that we are so sinful and so messed up beyond belief that someone had to DIE for us in order to make things right. But, we are so incredibly loved that someone ACTUALLY died for us!! It's the shattering truth that shows us not only how much we need someone to save us everyday, but that we have a God that loves us so much that He is willing to work on our hearts everyday and reminds us of the all-consuming grace He shows us every day of our lives.

The sad part is, we live in a culture that gets tired of hearing the gospel, because we believe the gospel is important for salvation and nothing beyond that. We get tired of hearing the gospel because we don't think we need it anymore. That was me until about a few years ago. Once I started going to Stonegate Church, the Lord gently opened my eyes to the many ways I misunderstood the beauty of the gospel. Then, by showing me the life-altering grace He shows me every day of my life and just how much I didn't deserve his love and grace, He wrecked my heart and showed me how the gospel is for every day of our lives. 

When the Lord put the idea of knowing Him more on my heart for my new year's resolution, I had no idea how hard but life-giving it would be. What started off as a few annoying tonsil stones early on turned into sickness after sickness, and ultimately a tonsillectomy this Thursday. The surgery is easy, the recovery is hard. 

Promises of the gospel:

• God is GREAT, so I don't have to be in control.
• God is GOOD, so I don't need to look for satisfaction elsewhere.
• God is GRACIOUS, so I don't have to prove myself.
• God is GLORIOUS, so I don't have to fear man.

God is great. Because I serve a God that is great and undoubtedly sovereign, as a Christian I get the opportunity to go into surgery without worry. Did I have worries and fears at times? Yes, but the Lord sweetly reminded me that because He is so much bigger, that I could trust Him. 

God is good. Boy, is this true. He is so sweetly satisfying. It is so easy for me to find my satisfaction in people and in friends and I love when the Lord takes me away from those things and refocuses my heart, even though it is painful at times. I have no choice but to find my satisfaction in my Jesus. I am in a lot of pain, at home, away from all my friends, and I can't even talk (I'm counting on the next time I play charades, because domination station is to come ha!). I can't even say a word. It hurts to swallow. It hurts to stay hydrated after painfully swallowing, only to throw it up. I am weak. Eating is hard. I'm so stopped up that most of the time is is hard to breathe. This may sound like a pitty party, but it is so much more. As hard as this has been, I am learning so much. I struggle with self-dependence and it is so humbling and so good to be at a place where I literally have to depend on my sweet Jesus just to breathe and swallow. I never thought twice about needing Jesus to help me do the most simple things like that. I am so thankful when He reminds me that I am just as dependent on Him today, as the day when I saw for the first time that I needed Him when I was 6. 

"Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God." 

2 Corin. 3:5

God is gracious. I spent most of my life trying to bring something to the table. Now, I realize he wants nothing in our hands when we come to Him, just hands that are stretched out to Him in utter dependence. Obviously, I have nothing to bring to the table right now. Especially since I can't even go to church on Easter. But here's the great thing, I get to worship my sweet Jesus even from my bed as I'm too sick to read and too sick to sing. My hands are open, and that's exactly how it should be. 

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 

2 Corin 4:16-18

God is glorious.The more I recognize how powerful my God, is, the more I trust Him and even love the things He is doing in my life, even when it's not fun. Here's what I love about being a Christian. Tonsillectomy recovery isn't something that I just have to get past then it will all be better. I get the chance to see how much the Lord is working in my life through this. I am thankful for the pain and the idols it easily uncovers. Does that mean I'm constantly happy and frolicking in my house? NO..... haha but I am so thankful for all that He is doing. There's meaning to this pain and there's a deeper love that I could ever have imagined. I no longer just pray for things to be easy and for an easy and fast recovery. I get to pray that my Jesus will continue to work in my heart, since that is the real depth behind all of this. 

Rocking the new style. I will most likely regret putting this bad boy up...

Just the fact I was just able to write this while tired and taking intense pain meds shows He is indeed graceful. It isn't easy or fun, but I love being reminded of this truth through Jesus and through friends during this time. 

Beggars of the King

I got back from Madagascar about a month ago and throughout the two weeks we spent there, the beggars flocked to us. Many of them see a white person and immediately see them as money. They see the white men as people who have what they want and therefore see Americans as gift-givers. While it is heartbreaking to see these people in desperate need, giving them money is not always the most beneficial response. They know we have money and we know we have the money. The problem is, there are so many long-term effects at hand. As a missionary, we want to be generous and seek out the needs of the people and teach them. It creates problems when we go about it the wrong way as the people can easily see us only as gift-givers and not as a friend. For awhile I was greatly annoyed at the amount of beggars since some saw me as a gift-giver and never had a desire to get to know me and hear what I had to say. I knew that just handing money over to them may bring them short term happiness, but would create long term obstacles. I'm sure by saying no to the beggars they saw me as a greedy American who had what they needed and was unwilling to give it to them, but I knew that as someone who loved them and could see past the present need, I had to do what I knew was best for them. I love the precious people of Madagascar, so I want to serve them and teach them how to find pure Joy in the Lord as well as teach them how to better their lifestyle and live according to their means.

AND THEN IT HIT ME....like a mud hole followed by boulders on the road in the bush....I am often like a beggar to the Lord.

So many times it is easy to see the Lord as a gift-giver who has the ability to give me anything I want, like a little genie. Sure, He has the ability to give me anything, but out of love, He limits Himself. Think about how many times your prayers consist of asking the Lord for things, and how many times your prayers consist of sitting at His feet and praising Him and wanting to learn from the King of Kings. I can't even begin to count how many times I or someone else has said something along the lines of God is not answering my prayers because he said no. Even a no is an answer to prayer. Sure, God could say yes to everything we ask for, and we may be happy, but our heart will not be after His. The Lord is not after us being happy, but transforming a heart into one of pure joy who is after the Lord's great heart. There are times when the Lord gives us what we want, but many times He shows His love through wanting to teach us and transform our heart.

 ⁸ “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
⁹ As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

Do you find your identity in the yeses you get from the Lord, or from the heart transformation He offers? As the daughters' hearts transform to the King's, we find ourselves looking to God as a gift-giver less, and sitting at His feet more, learning about His heart as we desire Him rather than His gifts. Think about friendships where you sought them only because of what they could give you and do for you and then think about the friendships where you wanted to get to know the person and serve them. Think about the difference in those relationships. The first may seem gratifying for a short amount of time, but the second one brings a much deeper and stronger relationship since your motives are not selfish, but those of humility and service. Think about the difference in our relationship with God when we seek after the gifts less, and His beautiful glory and presence in our life more.

Oh the beauty of sitting at the beloved King's feet as His precious and chosen daughters, seeking His heart and His desires.